What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
