this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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