Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
