i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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