I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wear drunk well.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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