tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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