and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
