I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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