He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
