holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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