Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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