3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
