Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
