Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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