I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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