if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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