He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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