oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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