On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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