i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
