I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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