I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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