I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
