We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
NoShamevember. You game?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
