Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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