dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
