Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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