I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
