I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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