She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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