You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
