i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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