omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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