I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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