Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
