im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
