i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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