we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i was born a porn star she said
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
