So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
