just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
