I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
