We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
