If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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