dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
