Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
