I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
