i need an iv and a liver transplant
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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