i wish starbucks made bloody marys
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
