You made me cry and you don't even care
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
