fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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