i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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