Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
