even my farts smell like vagina
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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