In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
