There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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