Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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