I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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