I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We got so high we made milksteak
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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