I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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