i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
