I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
