I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
