so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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