Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
